09 March 2010

13 Funny Quips 9 Mar 2010

From Denny: Here's a few bawdy short jokes and other sillies to keep you amused for at least the next 10 minutes, enjoy! Enjoy a virtual pint on me. :)





Super Granny - Defender Of Justice

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
she found four males in the act of leaving with her car! She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,preceded to scream
at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to
use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and
ran like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to
load her shopping bags in the back of the car and went back and
got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken up that she couldn't get her key into the
ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why!
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five
spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove
to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly woman described as white, less than 5 feet tall, glasses,
and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.





* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Soooo, this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?





Sign seen above a car engine reboring shop in western Sydney, Australia: "Unlimited Head Jobs!"





A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be
prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company
check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present
these to their banks.

The name of the company? 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'

Clever marketing strategy, don't you think? :)





Long ago in Israel the wisest man, a great philosopher and thinker, was
holding audience. Everyone was there - the hall was packed out -
politicians at the front, professionals, doctors, lawyers next, then
businessmen, etc., with lesser beings further and further away.

He intones his most famous and deepest saying: "Life is like a fish."
Everyone murmurs in obedient and respectful agreement "How wise." "What a
thinker." "How true." "What a man."

At the very back of hall, a callow, spotty youth - a freshman probably,
sticks his hand up and asks "Why?"

Absolute horror around the hall...

They all turn to stare, enraged at him "How can he question the great man?"
"Has he no sense at all?"

Now they stare back anxiously at the great man - what
will he do?

He doesn't react, just sits there, pondering. The atmosphere
is electric.

After ten minutes of deep thought, the great man looks up, the audience hushed.

He speaks. "Alright, so it's not like a fish."





Oh, this one brings back "the good ol' days" of the 2000 Presidential election when Bush and Cheney were handing out flyers in the African-American community to confuse them to vote on the day after the actual election. Someone had fun with this idea. Take a look.


Something only recently discovered:

Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than originally expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once.

Therefore, Republicans are requested to vote on Wednesday, November 8. Democrats and Independents on Tuesday, November 7.

Please pass this message along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.

2000 Presidential Election Commission





Found this at a social site this week:

Do you know how to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American on sight? That's easy. A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.





The Chinese-born cellist "Yo-Yo Ma" changed his name from "Yo Ma-Ma" after he found that many Americans took offense when he introduced himself.





My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed a couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her too.

I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."




Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy directions to the post office.

Reverend Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. (with the dreaded silent sentence of: You're so stupid) "You don't even know where your way to the post office."





An amateur translator, from English into Japanese, happened to find a temporary job. The first assignment he had to do: "Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."

Because the Japanese translator does not have a sense to understand the above, his work in Japanese reads: "Don't go the extra mile, or it reveals you as an incompetent slacker like your boss."





Groaner:


Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required
to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim,
Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the
students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put
his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says
she can't feel her legs!"





"Do ya think?"

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.

This is our idea of useless legislation.





ALSO for more rockin'good laughs:

7 Funny Quips 10 Mar 2010

8 Funny Quips 11 Mar 2010

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