8 Funny Quips 11 Mar 2010

From Denny: Helping you glide into the weekend... a few sillies. :)





Clever Guy

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.

He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.





Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'





Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England. Now, just like his father, he must obey the nine commandments.





My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World."

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things.

"Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages."

I looked at my wife and said, "So, I guess we could call it p-mail."

(Actually, in our house, we call it "reading the mail.")





Entertainer Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was invited to play for the President, a guard stopped outside the White House gate and asked, "Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?"

Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun."

With equal solemnity, the guard nodded. "Enter, friend. I was afraid for a minute it was your sour violin!"





One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked up the little fellow and walked sternly down the aisle
on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"





I'm sure you've all watched "Titanic" the movie. You know that scene when poor Jack
Dawson dies from the cold and then sinks to his watery grave?

Well, when he was frozen and Rose finally pushed him away from her to float into the ocean, my idiot ex-boyfriend embarrasses me in the theater by yelling, "Jack Frost!!"

And to this day he still calls, wondering why I call him my "ex!"






The funniest thing I ever did was when I was borrowing my Dad's car and I had to get gas. My Dad had a bad accident a few years back and he had both ankles surgically redone. So his car has handicap plates and I guess they have some rule that you have to give them full service at self-serve pumps.

The attendant came out and I waved him off without looking up from the nozzle. He tried to figure out why I had handicap plates so I thought it was a good time for a trick.

I went to give him the money and I kept on bumping into things - like the pump - and when I went to give him the money I felt each individual bill and did the same when he gave me change.

The whole time I spoke to him I stared into space. I was wearing dark sunglasses. I walked out of the station running into everything and bumping my head as I got into my car.

The attendant asked me, "How do you drive."

I replied with, "What do you mean?"

He answered with, "Aren't you partially blind?"

I ended with "No, I am completely blind. I am driving an especially equipped
car."

I sped away, making sure to drive over the curb. In the rear view mirror I saw a
station attendant with his jaw on the ground.





ALSO for more rockin'good laughs:

7 Funny Quips 10 Mar 2010

13 Funny Quips 9 Mar 2010

*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

7 Funny Quips 10 Mar 2010

From Denny: Spring has sprung around here. For the past week I've been "enjoying" the pollen season... and buying out the grocery store's entire supply of tissues.

Enjoy these sillies and hoist a pint in my miserable honor! :)





Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie.
They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
The problem was getting Ken to listen.





"Do ya think?"


Birthday Party

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"

My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen with embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.





Woman's Embarrassing Moments: Curl Up and Die

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"





This one sure is scary:

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)





It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

Now that's a plan.




Yes, one of those annoying dumb blonde jokes:

IDIOTS ON THE ROAD

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine(a blonde), when she asked if I knewwhat the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"






"Do ya think?"


IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.





ALSO for more rockin'good laughs:


13 Funny Quips 9 Mar 2010

8 Funny Quips 11 Mar 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!