10 February 2010

Ouch: 7 Funny Quips 10 Feb 2010

From Denny: Who knows the origin of these funnies? They may have been circulating the web for years or are brand new. Any way you look at it you will get a good grin!

How to impress your boss when you want to ask for a raise:

At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the IT
department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every
user what they need."

I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so
we can kick them in the a$$?" It went over quite well; the room fell out laughing.

I don't work there any more.

How technology has spawned new humor:

Redmond, WA, USA -- Citing the event as a new era of peace and cooperation, Bill Gates today announced Microsoft's purchase of Netscape.

Said Gates: "Hopefully now the world knows we're serious about the Web."

Microsoft's first move will be to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer) browser due this year.

"When we release this version," said Gates, "all Web access will be MINE."

The Brits simply will not be outdone by the American joksters:

And now, news from the Royal wedding of Sophie and Edward...

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.


Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight!"

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one."

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter!"

That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Rocketing back to America for a grin:

A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and daughter. It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was still at the office.

Both children were fussy and didn't want to eat, and her patience had reached it's limit. She looked up and sighed, "Oh, God, help me with these children."

Immediately her four-year-old daughter bowed her head and was silent. The mother was delighted, thinking the girl was asking God to help her be good.

But then the girl looked up at her and said, "I just asked Him not to help you."

Hmmm... so, which came first?

Reader said her son, Aaron, who is halfway between 2 and 3, was looking at a picture book, pointed at an egg and declared, "Cookie."

"No, no," mother corrected. "That's not a cookie. Look again. What is it?"

"Marshmella," Aaron said.

"No, not a marshmallow," mother said. "Think about it. What do
chickens lay?"

Aaron's face lit up. "McNuggets," he shouted triumphantly.

On being a good host to foreign visitors:

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way.

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker.

During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks.

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass.

"I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
leader of the troupe.

How to insure you don't get picked to serve on a jury:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

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